Christmas in 60 Seconds: 1968.  Night of the Christmas Iguana.

 

I.

[Black.]

10-year old boy:           I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

[Gunshot:  Blam!]

 

II.

[Man in Santa suit laying face up, pulls beard away from mouth.]

Man:                            It’s me, David.  Go get in the car.

[Woman helps man up.]

Woman:                       He wants an iguana for Christmas.

 

III.

[Front of PetSmart.]

Man:                            We’ll get one on our way out of town.

 

IV.

[Back of adult heads in front seat of car.]

10-year old boy:           This iguana is a girl.

Woman:                       It’s the only one they had, sweetie.

10-year old boy:           Can I call her Iggy anyway.

Man:                            Sure.

8-year old girl:             Mommy, I don’t feel good.

10-year old boy:           She’s all cold and clammy.

Woman:                       It’s a lizard.

Man:                            Close the lid and quit playing with the iguana.

[8-year old girl wretches and vomits.]

10-year old boy:           I think she’s dead.

Woman:                       Pull over and throw the lizard in the trunk.  I’ll clean up sis.

10-year old boy:           Can we trade her in for a boy?

 

V.

[Blizzard.]

Woman:                       I don’t think it’s safe to go on any farther.

Man:                            There was a motel back there if you want me to turn around.

[Thump.]

Woman:                       What was that?

Man:                            I think it was the median.

[Tire blows out.  Thump.  Thump.  Thump.]

                                    Or a flat tire.

[Flashing police car lights.]

[Car door slam.]

Officer:                                    You made an illegal U-turn back there.

[Trunk opening.]

Man:                            Here, you hold the dead iguana while I dig out the spare tire.

[Car door opening.  Retching sound.]

 

VI.

[Front desk of Motel.]

Clerk:                           Room 16.  Here’s the key.  Um, no pets.

10-year old boy:           He’s dead.

8-year old girl:             I’m going to throw up again.

 

VII.

[Movie marquee.]        2001 A Space Odyssey

  Open Christmas Day

Man:                            Is there any place in town open where the rest of us can get supper?

Clerk:                           Movie theater is the only place open today.

 

VIII.

[Empty movie theater, save for Family.]

[Popcorn passed among the Family.]

Woman:                       Feeling better, sweetie?

[8-year old girl nods.].

10-year old boy:           Merry Christmas, everybody.

[Fade.]

HAL 9000:                    I’m sorry, Dave.  I’m afraid I can’t do that.