Scene II. Washington, D.C. The White House.

[Enter Richard, Ron Ziegler, Gerald Ford, and Secret Service Agents.]
Richard. You, Ron and Gerald, are the only
two friends I have left. All others have
deserted me, or languish somewhere
behind iron bars. Even the farmers
and truck drivers call me names! 5
Ziegler. You have a great following, Mr.
President. Why, forty percent of this
nation’s population consider you
innocent, the greatest man ever
to sit within the Oval Office. 10
Richard. While over fifty consider me
an exile already. The secretaries
across the street have drawn amongst themselves
a pool to guess by what majority
the House will impeach me. I have never 15
seen things so dark. Perhaps I should come full
clean abreast with the problem. I will go
and give the public the truth.
Ziegler. I hearken to the phone, Mr. President,
but I do not think such a scheme would play 20
in Peoria.
[Exit Ziegler.]
Richard. “Play it in Peoria.” A phrase that
Haldeman used to use. Vile contempt,
how wretched your target! For Bob was
a fair and decent man who could turn 25
the English language on its ear.
It’s sad, and reprehensible that
evil conceptions emerge in
America’s mind when it hears “played
in Peoria.” A phrase which has magic 30
descriptive qualities.
Ford. [Aside.]
Descriptive of nothing more fetid than
the fooling of America’s common folk.
Richard. You know, Jerry, he coined “plumbers”. To fix
the leaks. Very clever. I think so much 35
more clever than what you have on television.
“At this point in time.” “To the best of my
recollection, I can’t recall.” What
perfidious assaults on the art of
human communication! The fault with 40
the world today, Jerry, is that we are
all embogged by the dialect of the bureaucrat.
O, for men with Haldeman’s command
of the English language.
Ford. ‘Tis something for me to agree on. 45
Richard. I’m going to tell you something, Jerry.
Something I haven’t even told Pat.
The tapes, which Jaworski now has, contain
a certain segment that may be
misinterpreted by the general public. 50
Ford. I do not so doubt the public’s
wisdom, Mr. President.
Richard. It will appear that I learned of these matters
Watergate four days before I have
previously said that I did. It will 55
also appear that I agreed to
dispatch these matters before they could do
my administration harm. I hope
the public will not misjudge my motives,
for they were not evil, were not bred 60
of any massive abuse.
Ford. And what were your motives?
Richard. To save my skin, Jerry. To emerge with
my hide intact. What more could a man in
my position do? What I told Ron is 65
a good idea. I will go before
this nation and tell them the truth.
Ford. ‘Twill be the fifth time you’ve told them the truth.
Richard. Perhaps they will believe me this time.
[Exeunt.]