Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Scene V. Washington, D.C. a prison.

[Enter Two Jailers.]
1st Jailer. Whoa, whoa, I say. We passed the exit, Sevie.
2nd Jailer. You smell of Scotch, Wesley. Most sickening.
1st Jailer. No, my dear friend, Sevie. ‘Tis not sickening.
‘Tis an his-, a his-, an historic day.
2nd Jailer. Now, Wesley, that you’ve finally got that out, 5
why is this an historic day?
1st Jailer. Because, my friend, I suspect company.
Important company, for a good long time, my friend.
2nd Jailer. How long.
1st Jailer. Three to seven. On con-, conspir-, plotting. 10
And some more on purg-, pur-, pu-, pu-, lying!
2nd Jailer. A Mafia Man? They’re hard to catch.
1st Jailer. No, no, no, nope. ‘Tisn’t the Cussy Nosetra.
Somethin’ even biggerer.
2nd Jailer. Bigger than Organized Crime? There’s no such 15
animal, except the Government.
1st Jailer. There, Severeno, is your rub.
2nd Jailer. Huh?
1st Jailer. Milton, or Shakespeare. Maybe it was Wilder.
2nd Jailer. Gad, you’re drunk. 20
1st Jailer. And why not? ‘Tis the biggest movement in my life.
2nd Jailer. Why, for heaven’s sake? Why?
1st Jailer. Because, Sevie, my dear friend, today
I incarce-, incarcer-, in-, lock up
three of the Watergate defendants. 25
Men who worked right over there for the President.
2nd Jailer. Yes, Wesley, ‘tis important. But nothing
to get stinking drunk over.
1st Jailer. Got to celebrate, you know. I’ll be on national veletision.
2nd Jailer. In your condition you’ll never get the key in the lock. 30
1st Jailer. Hah! Steady as a rock, you understand. I… I…
[He faints.]
2nd Jailer. Utterly deplorable. What nonsense through
yonder pie hole pukes.
[Exit with body of 1st Jailer.]
[Enter Howard K. Smith, Eric Severied, and John Chancellor.]
Smith. And here, ladies and gentlemen, is the
very place where Magruder, Colson, and 35
Kalmbach will be put behind bars,
an end to one segment of this Watergate ordeal.
Chancellor. Yes, Howard, other defendants are
already serving time, some are sentenced
and still more await their trial. 40
‘Tis the biggest scandal in American
History, uncovered by the diligent Press.
Severied. Just think, ladies and gentlemen, ‘tis
a scandalous matter twice as big as
Grant’s Credit Mobilier or Harding’s 45
Tea Pot Dome. Already a dozen
underlings have been convicted,
two Secretaries have been fired,
three more have resigned. The entire campaign
committee has been exterminated, 50
including that most venerable John Mitchell,
former Attorney General and good guy.
Even the Vice President has been swept away.
And ladies and gentlemen, it’s all been
brought to you by the American Press. 55
[Exeunt.]

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