Scene VIII. Moscow the Kremlin.

[Enter Richard, Pat, Leonid Brezhnev, and Secret Service Agents.]
Brezhnev. I wish to thank you, good friend, for your gift
of this Ford Continental Mark IV
automobile, which you have so
graciously presented to me.
Pat. It has the plush interior, carpet, 5
power brakes, air conditioning and
bullet proof windows.
Richard. ‘Tis a handsome addition to the Cadillac
I gave to you upon my last visit.
Brezhnev. You are too generous, my friend. 10
Pat. ‘Tis nothing. We gave our friend, Sadat, the
man of Egypt, a Helicopter!
Brezhnev. Really?
Richard. Yes. I will miss it, though. ‘Twas a happy
green in color. Carried Pat and me 15
many times to and fro the airport.
Brezhnev. Must you rush off so soon? You’ve only been
here three days. Stay awhile longer and
I will show the very best that poor Moscow offers.
Pat. We must return, dear Leonid. 20
The nasty press keeps us up with such
asinine questions of the like,
“When will you return to your Capitol?
Why do you stay away from Washington?”
Well, I’ll tell you, I don’t like that City. 25
I like to travel. But the liberal press,
those nasty men, cannot leave me and poor
Richard alone. Well, you newsmen, we return
tomorrow. Will they be satisfied?
We return on Wednesday. 30
Richard. Aye, Wednesday. Oh, fateful day. The Court will
rule upon my appeal of the subpoena.
Brezhnev. In your favor, I trust. In my country,
dear Richard, I have no trouble with
the newsmen. I feel that they worry you 35
constantly. You should do something about
the media annoyance, as we have
done in Mother Russia.
Richard. Maybe I should.
[Exeunt Richard, Pat, and Secret Service Agents.]
Brezhnev. Twenty years ago that man gained our 40
attention by hating communists.
He rose through the ranks of America
by fighting the enemies of freedom.
Poor Nikita. If he hadn’t been Premier
and Richard Vice-President, they might have 45
punched each other’s lights out. He hated us so.
But now Richard is on top. He can no
longer hate his adversaries, for that
would trigger events unstoppable.
So, mutually assured, we must be friends. 50
Now twenty years ago tempers flared
and ideologies may have clashed.
But Richard has learned a lesson. You can
only get so far on your ideologies.
From there to the crest of high history 55
one can only compromise and subvert
one’s ideologies for détente.
[Exit.]

Scene IX. Washington, D.C. a newsroom.

[Enter Walter Cronkite.]
Cronkite. Good evening. The Supreme Court today ruled
unanimously against President
Richard Nixon when it returned
a nine to zero decision that forced
the White House to turn over subpoenaed 5
documents and tapes to the Special
Prosecutor. The historic decision
was climaxed in the courtroom by the reading
of Chief Justice Burger. A hushed silence fell
upon the court as he ruled that the 10
President must comply with the subpoena
and that no man is above the law.
This comes as a severe blow to the
President’s defense. The Special Prosecutor
will have all the tapes that the President 15
has here-to-fore denied him. It is expected
that the House Judiciary Committee
will now get the material it wants and
will begin open debate on the Impeachment
of the President next Wednesday. 20
CBS News will be there to cover it, live.
President Nixon returned from his
foreign travels today. He was met at
the airport by several thousand supporters.
The Midwestern drought is now in its tenth 25
week, destroying crops and ruining cattle,
plunging the breadbasket of this land
into natural disaster. Prices are
expected to rise. Speaking of inflation,
last month it went up one point two percent, 30
the largest monthly rise since statistics
have been kept. A grocery basket that cost
twenty dollars three years ago now costs
twenty-four dollars and fifteen cents.
And now here’s Eric Severied 35
with some thoughts on today’s historic
Supreme Court decision.
[Enter Eric Severied.]
Severied. Thank you, Walter. Today’s historic
Supreme Court decision is something
Richard M. Nixon will not look 40
lovingly to. It is his disaster.
The drought that plagues our West is nothing
compared to the blow which the Judges of
our land have decreed. Mr. Nixon must
now give up all those tapes he cherishes. 45
An what’s on those tapes will undoubtedly
be damaging to him. But for democracy,
for freedom, for human decency
we will finally know, once and for all,
the true extent of the President’s 50
involvement in Watergate.
Cronkite. And that’s the way it is, Wednesday,
July Twenty-fourth, Nineteen Seventy-four.
[Exeunt.]

ACT FIVE
Scene I. Washington, D.C. The Capitol.

[Enter Peter Rodino, Chairman of the House Committee on the Judiciary, Wiggins, Sandman, and Other Members of the House Committee on the Judiciary, a Clerk, Members of the Press, and divers Spectators.]
Rodino. Again we renew this debate, namely
that the President of the United States
shall be impeached by the House of Representatives
upon these three bills. One, he has obstructed
the administration of justice. Two, 5
he has used the powers of the Presidency
in a manner which is abusive and
has repeatedly engaged in conduct
violating the rights of free men. Three,
the President, in contempt of Congress, 10
has repeatedly failed to comply with
the will of the House of Representatives.
Mr. Wiggins.
Wiggins. Ladies and Gentlemen, I have been, for
all my life a faithful and regular 15
Republican, a long and loyal
supporter of Richard M. Nixon.
For five months, now, I’ve not slept, nor have
any of my colleagues upon this
Committee. These long and frightful months lay 20
heavy upon us, for we have learned in
full and hideous detail, the ways and
means by which the American public
has been subverted by their elected
leader. I hold that Richard M. Nixon 25
is responsible for the action of his
aides. No man should be so reckless, so naïve
as to let the likes of Haldeman and
Ehrlichman bungle their jobs unknowing
or uncaring of the consequence. We have 30
heard the testimony of how the
President tried to ignore this thing called
Watergate and then how he tried to control
its destructive impetus. But we were
denied the full story. Denied the most 35
important tapes and documents.
This Wednesday last, the President was
ordered to hand over the tapes. But, lo,
he and his staff dilly-dally and claim
that they must be cross referenced. This 40
Committee is yet denied. But the House
will not be denied! America will
not be denied the truth. In Contempt of
Congress, in Obstruction of Justice, the
President should be impeached. 45
The agony of this decision cannot
be measured in time nor money. I have
deserted my Party, a grave result,
but I sincerely feel that I have made
the right decision and my soul will not 50
trouble me. I place my support, and my
confidence, in the American People.
Rodino. Mr. Sandman.
Sandman. The Gentleman from California speaks true.
None of us have slept these past months. 55
The sick agony of a sleepless soul,
searching through the midst of twelve volumes of
testimony, come now I to defend
the President. Perhaps this is more
a question of proportionalities. 60
If a man should hire two servants and these
men should prove to be loyal and faithful
servants, who to protect the interests
of their master, perform mischief and
other things of illegal intent, 65
how can you condemn the master for
protecting, in turn, his loyal servants?
This is what I find here in these
Watergate scandals. The wrongs committed,
in the name of loyalty, are fairly 70
flown out of all decent proportion.
I cannot condemn this man! I find, in
my soul, in my heart, in my prayers, that
this man cannot be impeached for
the trivial acts of his subordinates. 75
Rodino. The Committee will now take a vote.
There shall be a short recess.
[Exeunt all save Two Members of the Press.]
1st Reporter.Why the unscheduled pause?
2nd Reporter.Methinks the rumor of a bomb.
1st Reporter.A bomb! While all of history hangs 80
in the balance?
2nd Reporter.‘Tis a maxim. Terrorists will always
strike those in the public eye.
1st Reporter.Shall we not flee, e’er we be blown sky high?
And never learn if the President be 85
impeached or not!
2nd Reporter.Security will check the rumor and
clear us from all harm. The Committee will
vote shortly. I think they return even as I speak.
[Re-enter the Committee, Members of the Press, and Spectators.]
Rodino. And now that the coast is clear, we shall proceed 90
to the vote. In favor of recommending
that the full House impeach Richard M. Nixon,
raise your right hand. Opposed, the same.
Clerk, the results, if you please.
Clerk. Mr. Chairman, twenty-four in favor, 95
fifteen opposed.
Rodino. The Committee on the Judiciary
concludes its business. A full bill
of Impeachment will be delivered
unto the House of Representatives. 100
What has passed herein has been done. May it
be deemed just. Committee adjourned.
[Exeunt.]

Scene II. Washington, D.C. The White House.

[Enter Richard, Ron Ziegler, Gerald Ford, and Secret Service Agents.]
Richard. You, Ron and Gerald, are the only
two friends I have left. All others have
deserted me, or languish somewhere
behind iron bars. Even the farmers
and truck drivers call me names! 5
Ziegler. You have a great following, Mr.
President. Why, forty percent of this
nation’s population consider you
innocent, the greatest man ever
to sit within the Oval Office. 10
Richard. While over fifty consider me
an exile already. The secretaries
across the street have drawn amongst themselves
a pool to guess by what majority
the House will impeach me. I have never 15
seen things so dark. Perhaps I should come full
clean abreast with the problem. I will go
and give the public the truth.
Ziegler. I hearken to the phone, Mr. President,
but I do not think such a scheme would play 20
in Peoria.
[Exit Ziegler.]
Richard. “Play it in Peoria.” A phrase that
Haldeman used to use. Vile contempt,
how wretched your target! For Bob was
a fair and decent man who could turn 25
the English language on its ear.
It’s sad, and reprehensible that
evil conceptions emerge in
America’s mind when it hears “played
in Peoria.” A phrase which has magic 30
descriptive qualities.
Ford. [Aside.]
Descriptive of nothing more fetid than
the fooling of America’s common folk.
Richard. You know, Jerry, he coined “plumbers”. To fix
the leaks. Very clever. I think so much 35
more clever than what you have on television.
“At this point in time.” “To the best of my
recollection, I can’t recall.” What
perfidious assaults on the art of
human communication! The fault with 40
the world today, Jerry, is that we are
all embogged by the dialect of the bureaucrat.
O, for men with Haldeman’s command
of the English language.
Ford. ‘Tis something for me to agree on. 45
Richard. I’m going to tell you something, Jerry.
Something I haven’t even told Pat.
The tapes, which Jaworski now has, contain
a certain segment that may be
misinterpreted by the general public. 50
Ford. I do not so doubt the public’s
wisdom, Mr. President.
Richard. It will appear that I learned of these matters
Watergate four days before I have
previously said that I did. It will 55
also appear that I agreed to
dispatch these matters before they could do
my administration harm. I hope
the public will not misjudge my motives,
for they were not evil, were not bred 60
of any massive abuse.
Ford. And what were your motives?
Richard. To save my skin, Jerry. To emerge with
my hide intact. What more could a man in
my position do? What I told Ron is 65
a good idea. I will go before
this nation and tell them the truth.
Ford. ‘Twill be the fifth time you’ve told them the truth.
Richard. Perhaps they will believe me this time.
[Exeunt.]

Scene III. Nebraska a Main Street.

[Enter divers Townspeople and Farmers.]
1st Townp. He finally admitted it. The man’s
a crook. I always said he was.
1st Farmer. I admit that certain illegal things
were committed, but all of them by his
aides. The President had no hand in the 5
execution of these treacheries.
1st Townp. But, by my hand, he knew about it, and
by my hand, that is even worse!
2nd Townp. Two’ll get you five, Gerald Ford’ll be
President by Friday. 10
1st Townp. You’re on, boy! Tricky Dicky will worm his
way from behind this rotten apple.
[Exeunt.]

Scene IV. Washington, D.C. The White House.

[Enter Richard, Gerald Ford, Carl Albert, Secret Service Agents, and divers Senators and Representatives.]
Richard. Thank you, gentlemen, for coming to me
this morning to present your views.
Albert. I hope you take our words to heart and
abide by the things we have said.
For it is in the name of the nation 5
that we ask you these things.
[Exeunt Albert, Senators, and Representatives.]
Richard. I ask you, Jerry, how many backstabbers
are there in the world. Monday I announce
the extent of my entire guilt and on
Tuesday morn the assorted kingpins 10
of Capitol Hill come to call for my
resignation. Will you make a good
President, Jerry?
Ford. I pray I may never be given the chance.
Richard. But if worse comes to worst, could you 15
handle the job?
Ford. I imagine I could.
[Enter Henry Kissinger.]
Hello, Henry.
Kissinger. Mr. Ford, it is time for your briefing
on foreign affairs in the week upcoming. 20
Richard. Ah, Henry, when is my briefing?
Kissinger. I don’t think one will be necessary, sir.
[Exeunt Ford, Kissinger, and Secret Service Agents.]
Richard. Diogenes searched for an honest man.
In truth he quested for a fool.
[Exit.]
[Enter Carl Albert, Carl Curtis, and Howard K. Smith.]
Smith. Mr. Speaker, what did you’re group tell the 25
President?
Albert. We explained that his administration
has done disaster to the foundations
of government and we asked him
to resign before the damage becomes 30
irreparable.
Smith. Is that true, Senator Curtis?
Curtis. Young reporter, it is the duty
of every Citizen to stand by his
President, right or wrong, he is our 35
Government. The action proposed today
by my colleagues is repulsive.
The United States of America
cannot operate in such a manner.
Shall we become nothing but a Banana 40
Republic, whereby the election of
a leader lasts only as long as the vested
minority concurs? Are we to face
the ordeal of our President succumbing
to the capricious fate of the opinion 45
poll? Will America someday be placed
at the level where foreign dispatches
shall read that a bloodless coup has resulted
in the ouster of another president?
We can not allow this Republic to 50
become allied with the forces of sad
instability and arrogant whim.
We shall not have a government who’s sole
objective is to maintain the balance
of factional power long enough to 55
control the Radio Station in the
Capitol. All this, young reporter I
foresee, if Richard M. Nixon is forced
to resign.
[Exeunt.]

Scene V. Washington, D.C. before the White House.

[Enter Walter Cronkite.]
Cronkite. That Everyman of Stage, our Chorus, who’s
role, it seems, is naught but bane to ‘mused
endurance, asks that you please hold onto
your patience. For the Chorus, it is true,
has been unavoidably and really 5
quite unfortunately detained. You see,
my sources tell me that as he relaxed
‘tween acts, as was his want, he was attacked
by muggers mean, who down the darkened halls
did flee. Franticly the Producer calls 10
to ask, a veteran media man,
to come forward at her clever command,
to entertain you, patrons of the arts.
And if the actors have played well their parts
You might now guess how this fine Play turns out. 15
In your minds, have we left you any doubt?
So, please, attend with quickened reaction
the final scenes of Richard M. Nixon.
[Exit.]
[Enter John Chancellor.]
Chancellor. This is John Chancellor, good evening.
The death watch has begun. Although 20
the White House denied rumors today that
Mr. Nixon was about to resign,
we have just learned the President has asked
for network television time for
an address this evening. I, personally, 25
believe it is almost over. And that
is the belief of almost everyone
here in Washington. About mid-afternoon
they started gathering across from
the White House. People, just people, coming 30
from their homes, drawn by some unnamed urge,
sensing with an inner sense that the time
of Richard Nixon had drawn near.
It is dark and stormy. The street lights have
already come on. The crowd divides 35
itself between two groups. One is
in the park, clustered around the statue
of Andrew Jackson, singing hymns and
praying for guidance. The other is out
on the sidewalk, chanting, “it’s all over.” 40
Then there are those of us, drawn here, compelled
to be without these premises, where
history is about to take place.
[Exit.]

Scene VI. Washington, D.C. The White House.

[Enter Richard.]
Richard. My fellow Americans, it is
difficult for me to face you tonight.
I…I…how can I say I’m sorry?
Through me this nation has been plunged to
the greatest depths of division since 5
the War of the Rebellion. I can only
say that I tried to stop it, to save
our country from the years of turmoil past.
But, in my misjudgment, the actions
I took only happened to inflame 10
the situation. I have had a meeting
with the leaders of our Legislative Branch.
They inform me that my base of support
in the Congress has eroded to the point
where I am no longer an effective 15
Chief Executive. It is my conclusion
that a ruler who cannot rule, should not rule.
Because I can no longer execute
the Powers of this Office, my
resignation will be upon the 20
desk of the Secretary of State at
tomorrow noon. I do this to heal the
nation’s wounds, to somehow bind up and start
again. For the Government these past few
months has slowed to a stop, spectators all, 25
to this ghastly affair which I conclude tonight.
[Enter Pat, Julie, and Tricia.]
‘Tis over, family. It’s all over.
Julie. Father, do no weep. Do not weep. Your
sorrow showed. It was clear to every eye
and ear that tonight the most noble man 30
on earth has done his duty.
Tricia. We are with you, father. No matter
what happens, we are a family,
used to accepting the troubles as they come.
We have weathered many storms, and tonight 35
we are at your side.
Pat. Come on to bed, Richard. There is nothing
left to do. All has been done, all has been
accomplished. There are no more heights, because
heaven is all around us. As it crumbles, 40
we, and the world, will remember forever
the righteous things you have accomplished.
Richard. I feel nothing. The jelly here within
my soul has been drained. No emotion sparks
my inner self. I am empty. There is 45
no contempt. No sorrow. No anger. No joy.
No regret. No relief. There is nothing.
[Exeunt Pat, Julie, and Tricia.]
Except a hatred that paints my black soul
and boils within me from my very toes.
A hatred of those evil men who plotted 50
my downfall and those that spread their vile words
across the face of America.
For the Press, I will not even delete
my expletives.
[Exit.]

Scene VII. Washington, D.C. a newsroom.

[Enter Eric Severied.]
Severied. Ladies and Gentlemen, you have seen history.
President Richard M. Nixon, with
the anguish of his guilt upon his face,
resigned tonight. Tomorrow at noon,
Gerald R. Ford will be sworn in as 5
the thirty-eighth president. We have
a report from Chicago that the streets
are quiet and there is no trouble.
Other parts of the country are
reported calm. It was learned moments ago 10
that military leaders at the
Pentagon had formulated a course
of action if Richard Nixon had tried
to seize control of the military.
The final chapter in Watergate 15
is all but over with the resignation
of Mr. Nixon. It all started one
innocuous night in June and leaves behind
it the charred corpses of almost
every politician who tried to 20
contain it. Watergate has destroyed
the most powerful man in America,
the most powerful man in the world. It is
proof that our democracy exists, not
only on paper, but in the minds of 25
our citizens and in one essential
element, the Press. For without the
medium of mass communication,
this whole thing might never have come about.
[Exit.]

Scene VIII. Washington, D.C. The White House.

[Fanfare; Enter Gerald R. Ford, as President of the United States.]
Ford. I wept for him. I prayed for him.
I watched him say good-bye to the only
people who were still faithful to him,
those five hundred White House servants. They loved
him and stood with him. It almost broke 5
my heart to see him smile, to shake hands and
wave, like it was downtown Cairo. Behind that
plastic mask must have been the saddest man
since Christ. I almost choked as he boarded
the helicopter and flashed his 10
victory sign, arms upheld, his family
smiling from behind. I can imagine
only what he must have felt inside. I pray
for Richard M. Nixon and his family.
May he, who brought peace to millions, 15
find it for himself. And as
his plane carried him westward, to the sands
of San Clemente, I said, “I do” to
the oath of office, pledged to guard
the Constitution with all the powers 20
within me. Our Constitution works;
our great Republic is a government
of laws and not of men. Here the people rule.
But there is a higher power, by
whatever name we honor Him, 25
who ordains not only righteousness,
but love; not only justice, but mercy.
As we bind up the internal wounds
of Watergate, more painful
and poisonous than foreign wars, let us 30
restore the Golden Rule to our political
process. How is it we can learn to hurl
ourselves down a crowded highway at speeds
not even matched by the sparrows above,
but cannot teach each other brotherly love? 35
[Exit.]

And now for something completely different. The germ of this Comedy in Five Acts was planted more than 35 years ago by a wise young high school English teacher who declared that we all have within us a Comedy, a Tragedy, and a History to tell.

Below, one Scene at a time, is the Comedy, Eduard of Nemaha.

Above you will find Richard M. Nixon, a Play in Five Acts.

Tragedies are hard. It's still not finished.

EDUARD of NEMAHA
A Comedy in Five Acts


DRAMATIS PERSONAE



Horatio, Duke of Nemaha
Eunomia, Duchess of Nemaha
Eduard, their son
Raoul, brother to Horatio
Constantine, friend to Eduard
Marcol, a clown
Cleonastra, servant to Eunomia

Normalizovitch, a Russian tailor
Debrushka, his daughter

Patience )
Hope ) three sisters
Virtue )

Aufenkamp ) cousins to Eduard,
Aulterbach ) from Ravenna

Parkerson, a Forest Ranger
Praetoria, a daughter to Parkerson
Grutilda, a Witch



Divers Peasants, Servants, Attendants, Officers of the Court

Scene: The Palace at Nemaha, a Park in Peru

ACT ONE
Scene I. Peru, a Park.

[Enter three Peasants.]
1st Peasant. Good Duke Horatio today comes here to speak.
2nd Peasant. As I have heard. Much rumor accompanies him also.
1st Peasant. What rumor this?
2nd Peasant. That he will here announce the engagement of his son.
3rd Peasant. Rumors are fleet in such wood as these. 5
[Loud Alarum and Smoke.]
[Enter Grutilda, a witch.]
3rd Peasant. [Frighted.]
What evil appears on the wind?
1st Peasant. An undead spirit methinks it be.
2nd Peasant. No. ‘Tis garbed in rags and displays a broom.
3rd Peasant. This must be witchcraft then.
1st Peasant. It approaches. Let it cant. 10
Grutilda. The Duke shall speak to Peasant and Nobleman alike?
2nd Peasant. Aye, but not to Witch.
Grutilda. Be gone before I becurse your humbugged house!
[Exeunt Peasants, in haste.]
A ruler of rabble, Horatio.
Such sorry sort should not be found afoot. 15
[Enter Marcol, a clown.]
When, knave, does the Duke deliver his address?
Marcol. Within the hour, Madam. But why ask you?
Grutilda. Because I have business with that noble.
Now, knave, a nose for a nose. I presume
you are the good Duke’s private jester? 20
Marcol. I jest in Public, Madam. I am Marcol,
the Dukedom’s entertainer-in-chief
and master performer of tricks.
Grutilda. Mergatroids! A mere clown.
Marcol. Marginalia, yourself, Madam, a mere witch. 25
Grutilda. Not merely witch, but Grutilda Guttersnipe.
Marcol. Why, Madam, not the same Grutilda
who in bygone days did save my master,
the Duke of Nemaha, when he was but a lad.
[He kneels.]
Grutilda. You have heard Horatio mention me? 30
Marcol. Madam, my master speaks often of you,
in great kindness, too, despite your vocation.
The wind foretells that you’ve a message for my master.
Grutilda. That I have. A communication of acute consequence.
I anticipate much ado aroused at this. 35
Marcol. Madam, you tease my curiosity.
Impart to me your message.
Grutilda. ‘Tis not the time to reveal the grave report.
And not to you, knave. The world will wonder at my words.
[Exeunt.]

Scene II. Peru, a Park, before a Platform.

[Enter Normalizovitch and Debrushka.]
Debrushka. Father, what chance does your scheme have?
Normalizovitch. Who can tell, dear Debrushka?
For our sake, I can only pray that our petition be heard.
Debrushka. But who else should be commissioned to supply the Duke’s
household with uniforms, robes of 5
silk and suits of golden thread?
No tailorship in this Duchy is superior
to yours, my father.
Who sews a finer garment? Who mends
a better tweed? Who repairs foot leather 10
with greater finesse? Surely the Duke will much
merit find in your system to clothe his staff.
Normalizovitch. I fear, child, your enthusiasm is uncurbed.
Many fine and fruitful tailors inhabit these parts.
I can only hope that the Duke has an appreciation 15
for my plan. May my ordered vision to
standardize the dress of each awarded rank
be married with an equally rewarding contract.
[Enter Divers Crowds and Attendants.]
Lo, Debrushka, a crowd approaches.
Let us stand close by the platform so as 20
to be well situated for an approach
to the Duke before another tailor brings suit.
Attendant. Way! Make way! The Duke appears this hour!
1st Peasant. Your Grace! Your Grace! A petition!
Attendant. The Duke hears no one, today. Stand aside! 25
[Flourish. Enter Horatio, Duke of Nemaha, and Eunomia, his wife.]
2nd Peasant. But your honor, the whole court is in need
of new wardrobes. I must present the Duke
a petition, an offer to construct
fine and well made garments.
Attendant. Enough! The Duke will see no petitioners now. 30
Horatio. [He mounts the platform.]
Goodness, the crowd grows large.
Eunomia. The rabble have come on rumor that you
have something of importance to say.
Horatio. The betrothal of our son is not of importance?
Eunomia. Not to these poor peasant and small town folk. 30
Though, they do love our son.
These crowds can neither plant nor hunt within
this preserve. They appear all with one hope,
that our son’s wedding will engage them in
some trade or service that will put meat or 35
bread on their plain family table. Take heed,
they will mob us as your address ends.
Crowd. Hush! Hush! The good Duke speaks!
[Flourish.]
Attendant. All hail Horatio, Twelfth Duke of Nemaha.
[The crowd kneels.]
Horatio. Arise, my children. I have traveled here 40
today to convey to you, my loyal
subjects in the City of Peru, pleasant
news of the engagement of my son to
a daughter of this fair village.
Her name is Praetoria. You know her, 45
of course, the daughter of Parkerson,
my Ranger for this park. He is
a man of good character as is
his daughter. Eduard and Praetoria
a fine couple will make. Much thanks 50
I extend to all who have heard this
announcement today. You are all invited
to attend the wedding.
1st Peasant. That was short.
3rd Peasant. This speech is a small formality. 55
He comes to the House of Parkerson to
seal the pledge ‘tween Eduard and fair Praetoria.
[Alarum and Smoke.]
[Enter Grutilda and Marcol.]
Marcol. What? The crowd pays no heed to our entrance.
Grutilda. They press upon the Duke and ignore my
dread smoke and alarum. 60
Stand aside, I say, big business have I
with the Duke.
Normalizovitch. Stand aside yourself. What business
is more important than mine?
A living must I make. 65
Grutilda. Bah, bumpkin. And I must make lives. Aside, I say.
Together. Your honor, a word!
Horatio. This is most confining. Attendants, please
disperse this crowd.
Grutilda. Horatio, dear, do you not dare to face your fate? 70
Horatio. Grutilda! Over many years I have
pondered the promised message of
your next return. Tonight at my palace,
I will receive you privately.
[Exeunt Horatio, Eunomia, and Attendants.]
[Exeunt Grutilda and Crowd, diversely.]
Normalizovitch. Alas, dear Debrushka, the Duke retires 75
and hears no petitions. I’m afraid that
his retinue shall remain in fashion
purgatory. At least no other tailor
could grab the good man’s ear. Perhaps we still
have chance to sell my portfolio. 80
Debrushka. Perhaps not. He returns to his palace.
Who will allow us to petition him there?
Marcol. Why linger about? The Duke has made his speech.
Or are you groundskeepers? Get on with it
and dispose of all this litter. 85
Normalizovitch. I wish it were my work. Such simple toil
would feed my daughter and myself.
Marcol. A fair lass. How old is she?
Normalizovitch. Too young for you, scoundrel. Must you trouble
a weary old man’s worry for his daughter? 90
Marcol. It’s not trouble I mean to bring. ‘Tis mirth,
not worry, I imply. A pleasant “good day”
to Peasant and his daughter is all I signify.
Normalizovitch. What are you, then? A clown?
Marcol. Aye, the Duke’s very own. 95
Debrushka. I could not tell. Your rank or degree at
court is hidden by this ill-fit costume.
In fact, the good Duke’s entire household is
bereft of any wit in fashion sense.
Marcol. I have myself observed these clownish clothes 100
and wondered what discount cataloguer
supplies my master and his court. But why
should this be of concern to you, pretty
little friend?
Debrushka. My father is the finest tailor in this duchy. 105
Marcol. Indeed.
Normalizovitch. My Debrushka is an over eager
child. However, her boast is not jest.
I posses the skill to fill the palace
with all that is modern and chic. 110
Marcol. Debrushka. A name as fair as the face.
And yours, sir?
Normalizovitch. Normalizovitch, at your service,
clown-dressed-like-a-fool.
[He bows.]
Marcol. Marcol, sir. 115
[He bows.]
Russian, I surmise. A fine
breed for a foolish old tailor, he said
stereotypically. Let not the world
say that Marcol is not friend to all tribes.
I shall leave your name with Horatio. 120
Before the week is out, expect to be
called unto the Palace at Nemaha.
Normalizovitch. Oh, thank you, sir. You are a man worthy
of a splendid wardrobe. Thank you, a thousand times.
Debrushka. Oh, yes! The duke will not regret 125
the employment of my father. Thank you.
[Exeunt Normalizovitch and Debrushka.]
Marcol. That lass at court will be delight. A superior
accessory for any occasion,
no matter how her father sews.
[Exit.]

Scene III. Peru, before the House of Parkerson.

[Enter Eduard and Praetoria.]
Praetoria. Eduard, darling, today your father
announced our future marriage to all.
My feet are cold. I can not warm them to
this most dreadful mistake. I have known you
since the playground. Good friends we shall always 5
be. But the Path of Life is not ours to
tread together.
Eduard. You speak the truth. I love you, Praetoria,
most dearly as a friend. You are to me
uniquely special, a friend indeed for 10
all my life. But you are not the friend to
share my bed, not to live with, not to have,
not to hold, nor to wed.
Praetoria. Our fathers long have agreed, in fatherly
misperception, that our lives must be bound. 15
My birth was not but three days gone when our
fathers concluded the contract of marriage
so recently announced. To break this bond
would now break their manly will. It surly
will take a good deal of patient 20
planning to untie this ancient knot.
Eduard. Wiser, which, would it seem? To let our two
fathers be at peace in their command, and
respect them in their dotage; or by faith
break this pledge and know that we are happy 25
within ourselves to be without each other?
Praetoria. Let us be happy within ourselves, Eduard.
Our fathers will grow over their disappointments.
But if we wed, they will have forty years
of our unhappy dissatisfaction. 30
Eduard. Let us find some means, then, to break this news
to our parents.
Praetoria. It is difficult to disobey one’s parents,
even in love. I do not wish to be
the one so charged. 35
Eduard. Nor I. Must be that we do this mutually.
The quicker, the better, so they say.
Spare not the sorrow, let the tears flow.
And soon all will be forgot by loving dads.
The first occasion presenting itself, 40
we shall step forward and end this proposal.
[Enter Constantine.]
Constantine!
Constantine. Eduard! Praetoria!
Eduard. A pleasant surprise. What brings you to these haunts?
Constantine. A short break from my studies. I return 45
home to have my laundry done. I was in
the Park when your father announced that you
two are getting married. I have always thought
in all the duchy there was not a better match.
Praetoria. As matched as Dill and Scout. Two friends are not 50
necessarily one flesh.
Constantine. What? Surely the Duke asked you before he
invited all to a wedding.
Praetoria. Our fathers had us wed from birth. It is
not their fault that we cannot consummate 55
their plan.
Eduard. Help us, Constantine. Make certain discreet
hints to my father that this marriage
is a matchmaker’s mistake.
Constantine. No way! Your father, the Duke, finds favor 60
in me. Spare me from causing him distress.
Eduard. Please! My father is a reasonable Duke.
The disappointment will not last more than
a year or two.
[Enter Horatio, Eunomia and Parkerson.]
Hush. Hush. Here they come. 65
Now, Constantine, be brave, be bold, but most
of all, our fathers must be told.
Eunomia. The children are already here. Methinks,
Parkerson, your daughter grows lovelier
every day. 70
Parkerson. Thank you, sweet lady. But a third is with
the pair. We may have a problem perhaps.
Horatio. No. ‘Tis only Constantine. Constantine!
How good it is to see you once again.
Your studies are done and your exams have 75
gone well? Eduard, of course you have asked
Constantine to be your best man!
Eunomia. Please, dear, I’m sure that must have been what they
were discussing before our arrival.
Praetoria. Indeed, sweet lady. We were discussing 80
the marriage. Tell them, Constantine.
Constantine. Umm, well, I, umm, umm.
Horatio. Out with it lad. Is this how you discourse
at University?
Constantine. Umm, your Grace, I, umm. I wish to speak 85
a confidence that we have been contemplating.
Horatio. Yes.
Constantine. I, umm, I would be honored to be your son’s
best man.
Eduard. [to Praetoria.]
He faints. The authority of my father 90
intimidates our friend.
Constantine. [to Eduard and Praetoria.]
I’m sorry. I cannot speak contrary
to the will of the Duke.
Horatio. Fine. Fine. All is in order now.
A wedding feast for the entire Duchy 95
must be properly planned.
[Exeunt.]

ACT TWO
Scene I. Nemaha, The Palace.

[Enter Horatio and Raoul, his brother.]
Raoul. You say she saved your life and since that day
you have seen her but thrice?
Horatio. That is most right, brother. Before you were
yet born I was a toddler, dislodged from
a distracted governess, a happy 5
wanderer until the lure of muddy
paths wore old and left me lost and alone
in some forgotten corner of this
estate. Grutilda plucked me from the bog
and deposited me here in this Palace. 10
Mom and Dad in gratitude of her daring
broomsmanship guaranteed to interfere
not in her sorcery. A pledge I have
always kept.
Raoul. What message does she now bring? 15
Horatio. I know not. Many years ago, at our
last encounter, she declared that in the
full flower of my youth a revelation
she would summon. But I am now autumnal,
a sparse bouquet of chrysanthemum and 20
dusty miller.
[Enter Marcol.]
Who now enters here? Only Marcol.
Impertinent clown, be gone! I expect
strange company at any minute.
Be gone or be flogged! 25
Marcol. Good pardon, my Grace, Sire. I wish a word.
Horatio. Your words are gibberish. Prattle on, then
be gone.
Marcol. My occupation, Lord Horatio,
is to jibe the Irish and steal their blarney. 30
Now, since you speak of it, a riddle:
What is it that has two arms, two legs, one
neck but has no hands, no feet, and no head?
This is not a diamond, heart, club, or spade.
When losing at strip poker it may be 35
of more value than any flush.
Horatio. Go. I have no time for riddles. I will
make time for floggers if I find you not
dismissed.
Marcol. Think on it, Sire. It is more important 40
than you believe!
[Exit Marcol.]
Horatio. Stupid clown.
Raoul. [To himself.]
Two arms, but no hands, two legs, but no feet.
Horatio. Pay no attention to that fool. I will
dismiss him tomorrow. Fools are easy 45
to find. And cheap. It will be no problem.
[Enter Grutilda and Patience, Hope, and Virtue, three sisters.]
Grutilda! Finally. Dear old witch, I
have been waiting. What is of such great
mystery and importance?
Grutilda. Hear me and hear me plainly, but hear me 50
in private, please.
Horatio. Raoul?
Raoul. Not diamonds, hearts, clubs, or spades.
[Exit Raoul.]
Grutilda. A strange bit of prophecy, Sire, presented
in these sisters three. Patience, Hope, 55
and Virtue named. In them the Spirits spin the
wheel of fortune’s whim.
Horatio. I do not believe in Spirits.
Grutilda. No, but you will listen to me.
Horatio. That is true. 60
Grutilda. Then there is no difference on doubt to dwell.
Horatio. Continue. What is it you wish to tell me?
Grutilda. Not tell, but to foretell. An astounding
revelation regarding you and your
realm. In all respects I expect the 65
Duchy to be deeply disturbed by this
development.
Horatio. On with it, good woman!
Grutilda. Patience, good Duke. Patience, come forward, dear.
Patience. Evening, your grace. I am Patience, but not 70
the kind that comes from self control, the kind
that comes under a doctor’s care.
Horatio. What? More riddles?
Grutilda. Now, let us hope the patient’s sickness shan’t
be serious, somber, or grave. Hope. 75
Hope. Evening, your grace. I am headless Hope. Draw
a blank and draw an R. Can you avoid
the hangman with a rope?
Grutilda. Are you hung for an answer, Duke?
Horatio. What ferocious punnery. Learned, no doubt, 80
from Marcol. Continue, dear lady, you
interest me.
Grutilda. Only virtue can vindicate the world
turned upside down in heaven’s vault.
Come forward, child. 85
Virtue. Evening, your grace. I am faultless Virtue.
I alone can save the Patient from the
Rope. I mean with Hope.
Horatio. Enough of this. Come, woman, what is the point
of all this foolishness? 90
Grutilda. I once did save your life.
Horatio. And I have saved your life ten thousand times
each day I do not condemn you for your
witchcraft. Yes, you once saved my life, but that
does not give license to annoy. Tell me. 95
Out with it plainly. What do you want?
Grutilda. To witness what shall come to pass.
Horatio. A vexed old age? Why would you want that?
Grutilda. Someone in this House, your wife, shall fall
ill from fatal poison, a flowering 100
herb maladministered. Your youthful son
will be accused. He will hang for his offense.
Horatio. You talk nonsense, witch.
Grutilda. I talk what I foresee as truth. Your son
will murder his mother. Unless 105
you listen well to me.
Horatio. I have quit listening.
Grutilda. Patience, Duke, is a virtue and a hope.
Horatio. Why?
Grutilda. Patient virtue will hope to make all whole. 110
Horatio. And what is virtue?
Grutilda. In this case, it could be cash.
Horatio. As I might think! Out, witch, out with all your
Patience, Hope, and Virtue. To think that you,
who saved my very life, should use this deed 115
to torture, haunt, and blackmail me upon
your return.
Grutilda. Do not say I did not warn you. Before
the week is out all this shall come too true.
Anxiety looms each afternoon at two. 120
Horatio. Out!
Grutilda. Sorrow seeks someone else’s tears. Mine are dry.
Horatio. OUT!
[Alarum and Smoke.]
[Exeunt Grutilda and the three sisters.]
It may be once a friend, but needs always
be witched. Nonsense! Riddles! Enough!
To bed and let the morning light
dispel this wicked shadow of night.
[Exit.]

Scene II. Nemaha, the Palace, another room.

[Enter Raoul.]
Raoul. It is a puzzlement devoutly to
be solved. I never thought that I should be
so engaged by a riddle.
[Enter Eduard and Constantine.]
Constantine, dear boy, you are a scholar with
a good head on your shoulders. Answer me 5
this query, “What is it that has arms, legs,
and neck, yet has not hands, nor feet, nor head?
‘Tis not a diamond, heart, club, or spade,
yet more valuable than all of these when
playing strip poker. 10
Constantine. One of Marcol’s riddles, no doubt. On this
let me think. “Hands, feet, head - diamond, heart, and
spade.” I find no pattern there. It is not
a chair, nor table. They have no limbs, but are
somewhat useless at poker. I have no 15
present answer. I shall compute further.
Raoul. Fret not long, dear boy, it is but a small
diversion. A mindless riddle.
Constantine. Yet most perplexing. Can there be a
sensible answer to this rot? 20
Eduard. Not if it be one of Marcol’s riddles.
I would wager nonsense before any
return of sense.
Raoul. Your father was most distressed at its
first recitation. He even threatened 25
to dismiss the poor clown.
Eduard. A twice weekly unfulfillment.
Constantine. Still and all, this one was quite a row. I
heard the shouts from the Duke’s chambers out in
the kitchen. 30
Raoul. Oh, that was not with our Marcol. The row
occurred, for sure, but it was with that witch.
Eduard. Witch?
Constantine. Which?
Raoul. The very witch that once did save his life. 35
She came to him and did demand of him
a private audience. Believe did I
that she had some strange or incredulous
revelation for my brother. The clown
confessed he knew she had a pronouncement 40
as meant to shake this stationary earth.
On our departure from the Duke’s chambers
loud shouts and angry talk pierced my ears.
Horatio then cried aloud for a priest.
At that the witch conjured a disappearance. 45
What’s more strange, indeed, is that she with her
had three urchins, female, and withal they
appeared and disappeared as one,
no separate occurrence. Some evil is now
afoul in this place. 50
Constantine. Where now is my Duke? Should we not go
to him and most quick?
Raoul. My brother has just retired, gone to his
chambers and donned his sleeping garb. For good
reason he retires early. He is greatly 55
troubled by what has passed. However, I
perceive this hassle is between the Duke
and the Witch. Let them resolve such matters,
as they seem to be at the heart of their
universe – not mine. And so, we shall leave it there. 60
Eduard. I think I shall retire. It never grows early.
This has been a tedious day. Many
problems go unsolved into the night.
Though they are not, strictly speaking, my own,
I’m at ill ease over their irresolution. 65
Raoul. True, Eduard, too true. I, myself, am
both restless and tired. The demon of
sleep compels my jaws to yawn. Ahh….
And many a problem goes unsolved.
I wonder what has arms, legs, neck; but no 70
hands, feet, nor head. Perhaps a good night’s nap
will dream up an answer.
[Exit.]
Eduard. I do not wish to sound selfish, but does
it not seem, Constantine, that this day has
been naught but disaster. As if all my 75
fortunes have been hung on the wrong peg.
Constantine. A dismal day, alright. Engaged to a
friend, but not a lover. And I unable
to forthrightly pronounce your soon-to-be
marriage a big mistake. And now this witch 80
appears before your dad. O dismal day!
Eduard. Do not fret, good Constantine, I blame you
no more than I blame my father. He is
quite preoccupied with this witchy business
and he would not, could not, digest the truth 85
of Praetoria’s preference, and, aye, my own,
no matter how eloquent or no, your
ineloquent summation. Let us retire.
To bed, and may the morrow dawn on some
happy news. 90
[Exeunt.]

Scene III. Peru, the Park.

[Enter Grutilda, Patience, Hope, and Virtue.]
Grutilda. Blank Darkness cast out and conjure up a
Black Demon. Come to me most powerful
portent. Enter with the witch’s knack to cast
a spell on Horatio, Duke of Nemaha.
The Sisters. Foot of frog and nose of newt, shopping bag 5
and toadstool soup. Powers of darkness come
to us. We brew withal what curse we must.
Toe of tadpole, dung of dragon, spot of
thistle, and little red wagon. Hearken
to our pleading call and give us means to 10
cast our pall.
[Alarum.]
Grutilda. ‘Tis done. Tomorrow at two the wife of
Nemaha shall fall ill. And it is I
only who is able to silence that
sickly shadow. But I shan’t. Unless the 15
Duke gratifies my graft, good Eduard
to the gallows goes accused of the
murder of his mother.
[Enter Parkerson and Praetoria.]
Dismiss, my dears. Mortals approach and may
perceive our diabolic deeds. 20
[Exeunt Grutilda and the Sisters.]
Parkerson. Our walk through this evening park shades more than
the hedge row and fence. Your sunny
face is now dark and sad. Your engagement
brings gloom? The Duke’s son is a fine young man.
Praetoria. Father, Eduard is the finest fellow 25
on the face of this fine earth. He is my
dearest friend and most noble acquaintance.
But our lives are not meant to be shared,
one for the other or the other for one.
Marriage between us is mutually unthinkable. 30
Parkerson. You and Eduard are thus agreed?
Praetoria. In unison our individual hearts
alike are quite decided that marriage
does not our friendship suit.
Parkerson. I do not, will not, believe any of 35
this talk. It is late, child. You are tired
and cannot think in a straight line. To bed
and dream upon it! In the morning you
will surely see the light of Duchess.
Praetoria. No, my father. Our minds are one, e’en if 40
our hearts are not. No light of fortunate
day will change them.
[Enter Normalizovitch and Debrushka.]
Parkerson. Hark! Someone approaches! Muggers!
Hasten home, Praetoria. We will discuss
this in the morning further. 45
[Exeunt Parkerson and Praetoria.]
Debrushka. The whole world rushes along as if demons
were about and among the populace.
Normalizovitch. When the moon is new and darkness fills the
sky, men are wary and do not venture
far from their homes. The lack of light has strange 50
affect on mortal souls.
Debrushka. Peasant eyes see only by day. I find
the night as pleasing as broad afternoon.
But yet no word from that Marcol character?
Does he not remember his pledge? 55
Normalizovitch. It has been just the one day, dear daughter.
These things demand patient time. Young Marcol
will keep his word.
[Exeunt.]
[Alarum.]
[Enter Grutilda, Patience, Hope, and Virtue.]
Grutilda. Stupid mortals! Good grief, do men never
sleep? Strolling around at all hours. Hie home! 60
How can a good girl cast her charm with all
these tramps plodding around this park?
[Alarum and Smoke.]
The Sisters. The Spell is cast! The Spell is cast! Woe to
thee that cast not spell!
[Alarum.]
[Exeunt.]

ACT THREE
Scene I. Nemaha, the Palace, at Breakfast.

[Enter Horatio, Eunomia, Raoul, servants and attendants.]
Eunomia. You look haggard. Nagging backache, husband,
Duke? I have these little pills that cure all ills.
You should take one.
Horatio. No physical ill racks me, Eunomia.
‘Tis mental anguish that suffers my sleep. 5
Eunomia. Speaking of anguish, who was that woman
that came to audience last evening?
Horatio. How did you know I had night visitors?
Eunomia. My usual ways.
Horatio. An old beggar woman and her daughters three. 10
Eunomia. My ways tell me she stayed for some time.
Horatio. I had trouble convincing her to go.
[to Raoul.]
Trouble brews with that witch. She had things
to say about my wife that I do not
find apropos here. 15
Eunomia. What ever, dear.
Raoul. I had trouble in sleep, myself. The clown,
that idiot Marcol, kept me awake
thinking of answers to his hideous
riddle. My brains be racked yet no reasoned 20
logic ever comes to my aid.
Horatio. Ah, yes. Thanks for reminding me. I was
going to dismiss that fool first thing this morn.
Fetch the clown.
Servant. Aye, my lord. 25
[Exit Servant.]
Raoul. But, brother, sir, before you toss him out
I beg to know the answer to his riddle.
I am insane for it. I am dream-walking,
headless and stripped.
Horatio. There is no answer for that fool. 30
[Enter Marcol, and servant.]
Servant. He was awaiting without the door.
Horatio. Impatient to be dismissed, eh Marcol?
Marcol. No, my lord. Impatient to get on with
my work.
Horatio. You do no work. I ask for but one good 35
reason to suffer not your dismissal.
Marcol. And so dismissed would the answer be to
the riddle that so maddens your brother.
Poor Raoul will not be so easily
dismissed from life’s wandering, 40
babbling supposed answers ‘til the
pigs fly.
Horatio. Raoul, you look worried.
Raoul. Headless pigs now flying through my daylight
reveries! Stay and make them go away. 45
Horatio. Yow, contagion madness reigns. Alright, clown,
keep your foolish job. I give up.
What has two arms, two legs, a neck, but has
no hands, no feet, nor head? And ‘tis not a
diamond, heart, club, nor spade yet is of more 50
value than all when playing at strip poker?
Marcol. A dramatic pause. I have no drums to roll.
Horatio. Out with it. Or heads will roll.
Raoul. Pig heads?
Horatio. Quiet, or you will miss the riddler’s answer. 55
Raoul. A joker, then! It’s a joker! Am I correct?
Marcol. A suit of clothes.
Horatio. Ugh.
Marcol. Well worn and well served. Quick to th’ exit I close.
Eunomia. Wait. Marcol has a point. 60
Horatio. What?
Eunomia. The shirt off your back would be a worthless bet.
And all the court is in a sorry state
as well. Blind justice need not be deaf to
fashion. New robes for all the wards, I say. 65
Marcol. So well measured, my lady! And I now know
exactly who should measure each squire, knave,
footman, guardian, and lord chamberlain.
Horatio. I knew it. Clowns are related by marriage to tailors.
Eunomia. He’s not married, dear. The court shall have a 70
wardrobe change. I decree it.
Horatio. Okay, okay. Yes, I suppose that these
thinning threads can be discarded.
Marcol. I must present to you a tailor by
birth a Russian. His name is well enough 75
known in the precinct of Peru.
Normalizovitch. And he has a young
daughter. Ah, sir, you should see this daughter.
Softer than the moonlight glistened over
new and silent snow. Gentler than the 80
the breeze that moves the kitchen curtain on
each bright and halcyon morning of summer.
A splendor, my lord. A galaxy of
bright jewels. A subject worthy for study
at court. And, fine miracle, her father 85
is a fine tailor, too.
Eunomia. I have knowledge of Normalizovitch.
He is fine. But I have not heard
of his daughter. I am troubled.
Beauty corrupts. Clothes cover. 90
I prefer cover.
Marcol. She is a dear child, Duchess. Bluesy, not
brassy. Brilliant without polish. A heart
of compassion. A soulful spirit.
An inner splendor more beautiful than 95
the outer.
Eunomia. There are few such souls in the world,
Marcol. Go and fetch your Russian and his
daughter. We will see if you can discern
true gems from glass. 100
[Enter Eduard and Constantine.]
Marcol. ‘Twill be done, my lady.
Eduard. What will be done?
Marcol. Sunshine on my dark shoulder.
[Exit Marcol.]
Constantine. How he can ramble on about nothing.
What’s for breakfast? 105
Eunomia. Toast and bacon, coffee and herbal tea.
Tell, me Constantine, do you think the Duke,
all of his court, are in need of new duds?
Constantine. I have no opinion on the matter,
my lady. What does the Duke believe? 110
Horatio. I believe I am being taken.
Eunomia. You and the court are being taken for
a much needed makeover.
Horatio. Whatever. The clown and his tailor will
be here by noon. And then one. And then two. 115
Argh. Excuse me to reflect on things not
dreamed. I must have some air.
[Exit Horatio.]
Constantine. He seems still troubled.
Eduard. Sleep did not cure his curious encounter.
Raoul. No one slept well. I count to six or more 120
the numbers of those who sought refuge in
the kitchen refrigerator after midnight.
Eduard. I am one such.
Constantine. And I.
Raoul. And Horatio. Marcol, myself, and... 125
Eunomia. I found no trouble slumbering. Except
for an occasional footstep down the hall.
Raoul. A great and mighty wonder no one
collided in the hall.
Constantine. I think I must. I ran into somebody. 130
Eduard. I did the same. Methinks it was the suit
of armor in the November Hall.
Eunomia. That must be why the gauntlet was lying
upon the floor this morning. Ah, well, I
think that I shall go and dress for the day. 135
and shake off the bitterness of this chamomile.
[Exeunt Eunomia and attendants.]
Raoul. And I will leave you to your breakfast. The
garden must need some attention of ours.
[Exeunt Raoul and servants.]
Eduard. I must do it, Constantine. My mind is
firmly positioned. To my father 140
I will flatly say, “Sir, I do not wish
to marry Praetoria. We have talked
this over and decided that friends should
not partners be. It would not be fruitful
any other way.” This is what I will say. 145
Constantine. What a mess this week has been.
[Enter Cleonastra.]
Eduard. A royal bummer. Never would I think
that two days could be so annoying.
Cleonastra. Are you done, my lords? Madame Eunomia
wishes to have the table cleared. 150
Eduard. One minute, good woman, while I finish
my juice. Come, Constantine, to the garden
we will go. While Uncle Raoul trims his
hedge, we will trim my father from his
matrimonial delusion. 155
[Exeunt Eduard and Constantine.]
Cleonastra. Oh, dear, I forgot to tell young Eduard
that his Ravenna cousins are come to
visit this afternoon. A mirthful pair.
Perhaps Aufenkamp and Aulterbach
may dispel the gloom that surrounds this house. 160
[Exit.]

Scene II. Nemaha, the Palace, a garden.

[Enter Servants and Raoul, severally.]
Raoul. How, there behind you, does that rose bush fare?
Servant. Quite fine, my lord.
Raoul. And the iris?
Servant. Also, well. It is late in their season.
The colors fade and petals droop 5
as is the misery of every aging flower.
Raoul. Have you seen the Duke?
Servant. Aye. He wandered through here and out into
the woods beyond.
Raoul. There are often ticks in the woods this time 10
of year. I will speak to my brother upon
his return and meanwhile attend to the
watering of the grass on that side of
of the cobbled path.
Servant. Yes, sir. 15
[Enter Eduard and Constantine.]
Raoul. Hello, again, young masters.
Eduard. Have you seen my father?
[Enter Cleonastra.]
Raoul. He is walking in the woods.
Eduard. I must have a word with him.
Raoul. I pray he returns with all his blood. 20
Constantine. What?
Raoul. Wood ticks, son. It is their season. They wait
patiently poised on the tip of every
twig and branch and leap out to feast on warmer blood.
Constantine. I have been told that the common tick has 25
uncommonly poor eye sight. He spends most
of his short life crawling back up trees.
Cleonastra. Excuse me, gentlemen.
Raoul. Yes, kind woman.
Cleonastra. My lady sends me to inform your lords 30
that her sister, now married to the Count
Ravenna, is sending her sons to spend
the summer here in Nemaha. They will
arrive this very afternoon.
Raoul. Thank you, good woman. 35
[Exit Cleonastra.]
Eduard. Aufenkamp and Aulterbach! I have not
seen them in ages.
Constantine. For the summer? Already?
Eduard. Their studies are at the bar. There are no
finals in trade school. 40
Constantine. But now for you, one more drain upon your
time and troubles, to entertain the idle
and indolent sons of a baron.
Eduard. Count. Ravenna is a county.
Constantine. Whatever. All I see is one more straw 45
on your already burdened camel’s back.
Eduard. No, no, no. You misperceive.
Aufenkamp and Aulterbach are not straws.
They are fuses. Witches and weddings may both
be dispelled by well-timed fireworks. 50
Raoul. Be careful! Many have regretted a
short fuse or the unintended target
of a misaimed salvo.
Eduard. And laugh all the louder as the tail is
told on down the line. 55
Raoul. For those that live to tell the tail. Just stay
out of my garden.
[Exit Raoul and Servants.]
Constantine. Is your uncle always so grumpy? Look,
your father approaches. I will leave you
to tell him the news of your non-marriage. 60
Eduard. No, stay. I need your support.
[Enter Horatio.]
Constantine. That you have, but my presence has brought naught
but bad luck as of yet. Courage, my friend,
and good luck.
[Exit Constantine.]
Eduard. Father, may I have a word with you. 65
Horatio. Huh, what?
Eduard. You are distracted, sir. What is wrong?
Horatio. Do you like your mother?
Eduard. [Aside.]
Mary, what a question. He is in need
of a long vacation. 70
Of course I do. Why do you ask?
Horatio. How is your chemistry?
Eduard. [Aside.]
Good grief!
Horatio. Do you believe in capital punishment?
Eduard. [Aside.]
How absurd! I shan’t risk telling him 75
about Praetoria.
Why do you ask me these things? What is wrong?
Horatio. Nothing. I was just wondering.
What time is it?
Eduard. Almost noon. 80
Horatio. Excuse me, son. I must go and tend to
Eunomia.
[Exit Horatio.]
Eduard. Father has run amuck with worry! I must
follow him and prevent his madness from
turning down a more violent path. 85
[Exit.]