Scene V. Washington, D.C. a Courtroom.

[Enter Judge Sirrica, divers Bailiffs, clerks and officers, Five Burglars, Eric Severied, Walter Cronkite, other members of the press, and divers crowds.]
Bailiff. Hear ye! Hear ye! The Federal District
Court for Washington, District of Columbia
is now in session, Judge John Sirrica,
presiding. All rise!
Sirrica. Be seated. This court, having recessed 5
two days in deliberation of
a letter received from the accused,
is now in session to hear further
testimony in this matter. I
remind you that you are still under oath. 10
1st Burglar. Yes, sir.
Sirrica. I have read this letter aloud. It is
signed by you. Are all these facts presented
true and accurate?
1st Burglar. They are. 15
Sirrica. You state that you and your friends were offered
money to plead guilty in these charges
and to further more say nothing else?
1st Burglar. That is correct.
Sirrica. Who offered this money to you? 20
1st Burglar. The Committee to Re-Elect the
President, coming, as I hear, from
the White House itself.
Crowd. Oh, my! Oh!
Sirrica. And why were these men so interested 25
in seeing you plead guilty?
1st Burglar. So that we would not reveal anything.
Sirrica. Reveal what?
1st Burglar. The Republican plans for espionage
and sabotage against the Democrats. 30
Crowd. Oh, my! Oh!
Sirrica. The Committee to Re-Elect the
President, John Mitchell chairman,
then paid you moneys to guarantee
that you did not mention other illegal 35
activities of the Committee?
1st Burglar. That is correct.
Sirrica. This is a serious charge you have made.
1st Burglar. It is true. For many weeks
the press has circulated much rumor, 40
purported leaks of information
of such a nature that would discredit
the warriors of last year’s election.
I have come forward to offer my
evidence that these stories are true. 45
Political corruption was, last year,
the rule not the exception. I charge that
John Mitchell, Maurice Stans, John Ehrlichman,
John Dean, H.R. Haldeman, and possibly
the President himself conspired 50
to commit illegal acts. And upon
investigation of these acts they
conspired to obstruct said investigation
and cover-up their illegal activities
with a trail of lies and misconceptions. 55
Crowd. Oh, my! Oh! The President!
1st Burglar. I credit the Press for not being fooled
by these cover-ups. And when I received
money to be silent I saw that
the end was near. The Press would soon the truth 60
uncover. So I have come before this court
to present my case.
Sirrica. All this is new and grave. The President
himself, you say? This is serious. This court
I recess until tomorrow, then to take 65
testimony from the others to see
if these allegations are true.
Burglars. We affirm what has been said.
2nd Burglar. Four men, especially, are
culprits in this scandal. 70
3rd Burglar. John Mitchell, chairman of the Committee
to Re-Elect the President.
4th Burglar. And from within the White House ‘twas planned
and executed by the President’s men.
How their scheming escaped the President, I know not. 75
Crowd. Oh, my! Oh!
5th Burglar. Yes, John Ehrlichman, H.R. Haldeman
and John Dean performed and approved
numerous corrupt and scandalous acts.
Sirrica. Well, well, well! This Court is adjourned. 80
[Exeunt all save Severied and Cronkite.]
Severied. Quick! To the studio let’s hasten, Walt.
This news is bigger than any before.
Cronkite. Aye, Eric. By the burglar’s own admission
the men of the Press have once again saved
this Nation, uncovering this cover-up, 85
nipping in the bud this Watergate scandal.
[Exeunt.]