Scene IV. San Clemente, in California.

[Enter Members of the Press and divers crowds, Demonstrators, Supporters, servants, and attendants.]
1st Reporter.‘Tis the first news conference of the
President since these Watergate matters have occurred.
2nd Reporter.Aye. Tonight, methinks, he’ll answer to the
charges brought against him. And most wisely,
I believe, and bring all the truth into 5
the light of day.
1st Demonst Hah! We’ll get the truth out all right. We’ll show
the nation that Richard Milhous is a liar,
a crook, and a frivolous man!
Demonstrators. Down with King Dick! Tricky Dicky’s down the drain. 10
Supporters. John Wayne and Sammy Davis can’t be wrong!
What we need is four more years.! Down with the Liberal Press!
Demonstrators. Death to ye hypocrites and bigots!
Supporters. Death to ye Commie Pinko fags!
[Enter Secret Service Agents and Ronald Ziegler.]
2nd Reporter.This’ll calm them. They await the man. 15
[Enter Spiro Agnew and Secret Service Agents.]
‘Tis the wrong man. Only Agnew. But
maybe he’ll answer a few questions.
Demonstrators. Boo! Hiss! Establishment!
Supporters. Give ‘em hell, Spiro!
Agnew. Peace, brothers. These impudent, effetish 20
liberal snobs and their left wing press will
have it straight. Come on, I speak for the
Silent Majority. Put your questions to me.
1st Reporter.Did you know about Watergate?
Agnew. Yes. 25
Crowd. Oh, my!
2nd Demon. I knew it!
Agnew. I knew about it the morning I read
of the arrests in the paper.
Crowd. Oh. 30
Supporters. Whew!
2nd Reporter.You did not participate in any
of these matters?
Agnew. Sir, I’ve never in my life done any
illegal act. And I’d be offended 35
if I did. And here’s a much better
[Enter Pat, Julie, Tricia, Edward Cox, and David Eisenhower.]
subject for your questions.
3rd Reporter.Mrs. Nixon, how is your husband
feeling? Is he eating well?
Pat. The doctors have ordered him rest and 40
sunshine. But Richard works on and consents
to this conference to reply to the
charges against him. He seldom, these days,
eats breakfast, which, I fear, is no good for
his system. But his system must suffer, 45
for he is President of the United States.
[Fanfare, “Hail to the Chief.” Enter Richard and Secret Service Agents.]
Agnew. Ladies and Gentlemen, the President!
[They all rise.]
Richard. You may be seated.
Reporters. Mr. President! Mr. President!
Richard. You, there, in the front row. 50
4th Reporter.Sir, is there really an Energy
Crisis, and if so, what are you doing about it?
Richard. Yes, young man, as you know the Arabs have
boycotted selling oil to us for our
giving aide to Israel. This has caused 55
a great hardship for we are now in
the very midst of a shortage of oil.
A shortage that will cause many schools
to be cold, many businesses to close,
and may lead to gas rationing for 60
automobiles. What am I doing about it?
I have appointed an Energy Czar
to print up gas rationing coupons.
Mr. Simon, whom I’ve appointed is here.
[Enter William Simon.]
4th Reporter.Will there be gas rationing? 65
Simon. Simon says, “If the weather be very
hard, or the major brands do not produce,
or unforeseen circumstances
halt Venezuelan crude, or if the
general public doesn’t conserve, there’ll certainly 70
be rationing of gas to motorists.”
5th Reporter.How can we avoid this rationing?
What industries will get all the gas that
they need? What of the farmers?
Simon. Simon says, “What of the farmers? They’ve 75
gotten along just fine and will continue to do so.”
1st Person. [Aside.]
I know a farmer who grows corn and says
he can get gas, if he pays the price!
Simon. “And these are the things that you can do.
Don’t drive sixty-five. We’ve lowered the limit 80
by ten. Don’t waste gas by starting and
stopping too fast. Don’t go for drives in the country
and don’t go anywhere but to church on Sunday.
And mark my words, our oil reserves
are weak, so we must conserve 85
by limiting the motoring public.
We must limit our pleasures wrought from the car
so that our major industries
will be running up to par.”
[Exit William Simon.]
1st Person. [Aside.]
Methinks that businessmen will go about 90
and swear, “I’ll need the gas to do my business.”
And all these men will say, “Let the others
conserve, I need the gas!” And so it’ll be.
The common man will scrimp and save just
to have ‘nough gas for the business. 95
1st Reporter.Mr. President.
Richard. You, with the orange tie.
1st Reporter.I understand that your office gave
the orders for the burglary of the office
of Ellsberg’s psychiatrist. Are you 100
a party to this conspiracy.
Richard. I am not. Next question. You, over here.
[Enter Plumbers.]
6th Reporter. Then why was this crime committed?
Richard. I’ll tell you why. “Twas not a crime, but
an act of national security. 105
These men before you now are my friends.
It happens often in my high office
the my most secretest events are
spirited away by persons unknown
and thence leaked to the press. My friends, 110
the Plumbers, are hired to find and fix these
leaks, so that national security
runs unimpaired. And so it was that when
Mr. Ellsberg pirated
the Pentagon Papers, I so instructed 115
my Plumbers to fix that leak. And this is
how it was done.
A matter of National Security.
[Exeunt Plumbers.]
The lady in the back row.
7th Reporter. Surely, it’s obvious that at least one 120
of your assistants has been lying
to the Committee, to the Grand Jury, et cetera.
Richard. Not to my knowledge, and if so, what of it?
Let the courts decide the perjury charges.
7th Reporter.But you, yourself lied, when telling us of 125
the invasion of Cambodia, you
boldly declared that American
material had ne’er been in that
Kingdom before that invasion. Yet, by pilot’s
own testimony, American bombs 130
were dropped in secret well within those
Cambodian boundaries.
But long before your televised announcement.
Richard. ‘Tis of no consequence! You lie! Next question.
The reporter with the glasses. 135
2nd Reporter.How goes the Economy?
Richard. Sir, the Economy goes well. It has
always been my game plan to halt that
spiraling inflation, to go to full
employment in peacetime, yet let our 140
businesses make a profit. And here’s
[Enter Herbert Stein.]
the man who’ll inform us more directly.
Stein. Be not misled by figures. ‘Though government
figures tell of the ne’er ending upward
spiral of inflation, let us remember 145
that men today are earning more than ever.
More to pay for those increased prices. And,
lo, great men of wisdom have predicted
that this nation’s economy shall swing
into recession. In all of grand nature’s 150
mighty scales and cycles, none is more horrid
than the periodic rise and fall of
economic health. From times of rising
prosperity, realized from the very
depths of dark depression, through rampant 155
inflation, and thence backsliding, past times
of recession, no turn of nature’s head
could be more damaging than this thing called
Recession. Great men of wisdom have
defined this wretched phrase, and, after adjusting 160
figures, declare that we’re inevitably
headed towards that phase. But, I ask you, can
we have a recession with so much
inflation, huh? Now, the President’s Phases,
the fourth of which we’re in, have indeed helped 165
this economy. It’s slowed it down quite
nicely. Of course, I admit that things have
not gone so well, but without these Wage and
Price Controls, we’d be in a mess indeed.
It’s oft been said that many things this man’s 170
administration has done are to blame
for unemployment, but I insist that
no man shall be unemployed unless he’s
some sort of slob, save for those sidelined by
this energy crisis. But once my 175
comrade Simon has relieved us of this
source, we’ll be back to normal. And do not
fear. One year ago the power
of the dollar abroad was sinking fast, but it’s
recovered and I can safely say that 180
this economy is as sound as a dollar!
[Exit Herbert Stein.]
Richard. Next question. The lady over there.
8th Reporter.I should like to ask you about your taxes?
Richard. My personal taxes are my personal
problems. But, as the matter has been brought out, 185
I shall lay my cards out on the table.
First, I have given my tax papers to
both the IRS and a congressional
Joint Committee. I will abide by their
decisions. Yes, it is true that I paid 190
very small amounts in two years, but this
was because I made a donation of
my Vice-Presidential papers, which was,
at that time, a legal deduction, to
the National Archives. But I must 195
admit it was close to the time of the
change in law. Unfortunately my
tax lawyer has lost the original
deed. But its duplicate is dated well
within the legal time. I trust all my 200
financial doings to my consultants
and go by their advice and I have no
real say in determining how much I owe.
9th Reporter.Mr. President! Mr. President!
Richard. Ah, you. 205
9th Reporter.Is. J. Archibald Cox doing his job?
Richard. Mr. Cox, not to be confused with my
daughter’s husband, is performing his duties
as Special Watergate Prosecutor
most forwardly. In fact, he is so 210
enthusiastic at getting and
presenting his evidence that he’s asked
for many of my personal papers.
Now, is that right? I’ve the Executive
Privilege, so I don’t think I’ll give over 215
to a grand jury my private papers.
But, Mr. Cox is doing an admirable
job, ‘though I must restrain some of his enthusiasm.
10th Reporter.Mr. President! Mr. President!
Richard. Yes, ma’am. 220
10th Reporter.Were you aware that the Committee to
Re-elect the President was
doing so many naughty things?
Richard. Of course not!
10th Reporter.But they were working for you. 225
Richard. Well, not really. I let them do their own thing.
10th Reporter.But, well, they helped you to be re-elected.
Don’t you feel guilty about your aides doing
all these ridiculous and illegal
shenanigans? 230
Richard. I must admit I’m terribly embarrassed
that my friends were so corrupt. But I had
no control over them. Next question.
The big man over there.
11th Reporter.Let’s forget your domestic problems. 235
Richard. [Aside.]
A good idea!
11th Reporter.How fares our relationship with Russia
and the People’s Republic of China?
Richard. Quite well. As you know I’m the first
President to visit both China and 240
Russia in the very same year. Yes, we’re
beginning to accept our communist
friends. We must trust them. Look at my foreign
record. First, I’ve given an end to that
horrid War in Viet Nam. Then I’ve made 245
overtures to Communist China.
[Enter Henry Kissinger.]
I’ve sent them ping-pong players and we got
panda bears. We have now an understanding
with our former enemies. And look at this,
Hank Kissinger, my dear friend and colleague, 250
has won the Noble Prize for Peace in the
Middle East. Tell us about, it Hank.
Kissinger. I am happy to have brought together
those warring peoples.
11th Reporter.What, chiefly, interests you about the Mid-East? 255
Kissinger. The broads.
11th Reporter.Huh?
Kissinger. No, really, I am very much concerned
about the Arab oil embargo.
As you know, this has created a severe 260
hardship and imposed grave economic
repercussions. However, we have stopped
the fighting and are working
on the oil problem now.
[Exit Henry Kissinger.]


12th Reporter.Mr. President, why did you install 265
tape recording machines in your office?
Richard. For historic purposes. For all
posterity to know exactly how
the important decisions of my
administration were made. 270
12th Reporter.Do any of the tapes contain any
conversations that are related to Watergate?
Richard. Why, yes they do. And I can say with perfect
candor that they show me innocent
beyond a shadow of a doubt. 275
12th Reporter.But, how do we know?
Richard. Because I told you so. Don’t you believe
me? As much as I’d like to, I can’t
release the tapes because they contain
many matters of National 280
Security and would compromise the
confidentiality of my
conversations. Now, as you know, Mr. Cox,
[Aside.]
not my daughter’s husband,-
and the Senate Watergate Committee have 285
subpoenaed my tapes. I’ll not give them up!
12th Reporter.What if the courts order you to?
Richard. I’ll burn that bridge if I come to it.
12th Reporter.But, they’ll prove once and for all your guilt or innocence.
Richard. I’m innocent! 290
12th Reporter.But there is no way for us to know
unless we hear the tapes and judge for ourselves.
Richard. I told you, I’m innocent! Now, sit down! Next question!
The man with the blue bow tie.
13th Reporter.Why hasn’t the Vice President been his 295
usual vociferous self?
Richard. I’ll let the man speak for himself.

Agnew. I’ve made my point on a number of
occasions. I shan’t want to run my ideas
into the ground. And besides, I’m much 300
preoccupied by other business
to be making much in the way of
attacks on the effetist snobs and liberal
press. I’ve done much traveling in the
President’s name. Thank you. 305
[All rise. Fanfare, “Hail to the Chief”, etc.]
[Exeunt Richard and Secret Service Agents.]
[Exeunt Agnew, Pat, Julie, Tricia, Edward Cox, David Eisenhower, Secret Service Agents and attendants.]
[Exeunt Ziegler, Members of the Press, Demonstrators, Supporters, and Crowds.]
[Exeunt Secret Service Agents.]