Scene V. Washington, D.C. a courtroom.

[Enter Judge Sirrica, divers Bailiffs, clerks, and officers of the court.]
Sirrica. What business have we today?
1st Bailiff. Many affairs, your honor, some speedings,
a divorce, two MIPs, and one tax evasion.
[Enter Spiro Agnew, lawyers, and divers crowds.]
Sirrica. Very good. And what’s the first case?
1st Bailiff. The tax evasion. 5
2nd Bailiff. Hear ye, hear ye. This court’s in order.
The State versus Spiro T. Agnew.
Sirrica. Approach the bench, Mr. Agnew.
[He reads.]
“The defendant is charged here with three counts
of tax evasion. One, willfully and 10
knowingly withholding information
from an authorized person. Two, giving
false information on tax documents.
Three, conspiracy to keep these matters
from the proper authorities.” 15
How do you plead?
Agnew. Nolo Contendre, your honor.
Your honor, if it please the Court, I would
like to read a statement.
[He reads.]
In recent days many men have made such 20
allegations intent to injure me.
Well meant men, having snooped around, uncovered
the ambiguities that any life
may hide. These men, their fantasies in flight,
discount the good to magnify the ill. 25
So scandal sells the daily news.
What course can honest politicians choose?
Reprimanded by the barons of the
newsprint, we are ready blame for acts,
though not of our design nor need nor want, 30
that soon enough become our own solemn
responsibility. And so it was
in Maryland, as Governor having been.
Of all these fancied charges brought,
collecting bribes et cetera, I am guilty not. 35
I did not contemplate these deeds so charged.
However, as elected officials, we have,
a duty to remain far above all
scandalous maters. For if we are so
minutely connected with alleged 40
deeds, we’re stained beyond all recall. It’s then
that the public trust in us is so
diminished, we are forced to…
concede our elected positions.
[Exit Agnew.]
Sirrica. The man is fined ten thousand dollars. Next case. 45
[Exeunt lawyers.]
2nd Bailiff. ‘Tis time for a recess, your honor.
Sirrica. Oh, my, a fine and busy morning this has been!
Will these tiresome matters never come to an end?
[Exeunt.]