Scene VIII. Washington, D.C. the White House.

[Enter Ziegler.]
Ziegler. Seems lonely without those three clowns.
So jovial. So merry. Too bad they
were caught being so corrupt.
[Enter Rosemary Woods, a secretary.]
How goes the war, Rosemary?
Rosemary. The President’s in conference. 5
The machines run smoothly. I go now
to transcribe yesterday’s recordings
‘Tis a novel thing, these machines,
to record exactly what was said at
all those historic meetings. 10
Great posterity will welcome our careful
keeping of these historic recordings.
[Exit Rosemary.]
Ziegler. A fine and noble women. Another
[Enter Pat and attendants.]
fine lady. Dear Pat, have you any
releases for me this morning? 15
Pat. No, but my noble husband will soon
emerge to greet a host of dignitaries.
I see they’ve fixed the air conditioner.
Ziegler. Yes, we’re comfortable, now. Spiro
is returned from another trip. His plane 20
has flown far and wide upon his missions.
Pat. He is a good Vice-President. Wise.
Loyal. Obedient. Invite him to lunch.
We’re having steak.
[Enter Richard and Secret Service Agents.]
Ziegler. That I’ll do. Good morning, sir. 25
Richard. Good morning. Hello, Pat, you look well.
[Enter Cub Scouts.]
Well, look here! They come in twos, presented
before their President. Hello, fellows.
1st Cub. Are you really the President?
Richard. I am the President. 30
[They salute.]
Such good little citizens. And how goes
the world, my fine little men?
2nd Cub. Fine, sir. We’re having a lot of fun.
3rd Cub. My daddy had to take a bus to work
this morning ‘cause we couldn’t get gas for the car. 35
4th Cub. And my mommy says I can’t watch television
‘cause there ain’t, I mean isn’t, enough electricity
to run both it and the refrigerator.
1st Cub. My mommy yells at my daddy ‘cause the cost
of food is so much. And my daddy yells 40
at my mommy ‘cause we’ve had tuna
for the last five days in a row.
[Exeunt Cub Scouts.]
Richard. Good-bye young citizens. What ho?
The silent majority has problems?
I did not know this. I’ll assign my top 45
advisor to look into the matter.
Do you think, dear Pat, that I’ve lost touch
with the great mass of people?
Pat. I’d not thought so. But the galloping polls
indicate thy popular support hath 50
fallen below the halfway mark.
Richard. Hmm. I’m sure that I will handle it.
Pat. Come, then, ‘tis time to prepare for lunch.
We’re having company.
Richard. I will be with you presently, sweet wife. 55
I, too, am expecting a visitor.
[Exeunt Pat and attendants.]
[Enter John Mitchell and Howard K. Smith.]
And there’s the man I’ve to meet. Good day, John Mitchell.
Mitchell. Good morning, Mr. President.
Richard. And you, liberal pressman, have you any
business here? 60
Smith. I’ve an appointment with Mr. Ziegler.
Ziegler. Oh, yes. Right. I’d forgotten.
Come this way, Howard.
[Exeunt Ziegler and Smith.]
Richard. I’ll be with you in a minute, John.
I’ve some of this horrid paperwork to sign. 65
Mitchell. Take you’re time. I’m not rushed.
[Exeunt Richard and Secret Service Agents.]
[Enter Martha, wife to Mitchell.]
Martha. There is that no good, evil-minded boar.
I’ve searched high and low for your rascalled face.
Mitchell. Martha? What do you want?
Martha. I’ve come to say that I’ll no longer stay 70
at your side, wicked man. I know all
the things that you have done. Wait ‘til I tell
them to the press. O wretched Man! Your day
of judgment and doom is soon at hand.
Mitchell. Hold your giddy tongue, you silly woman. 75
You have no proof of my wrong doing.
Why do you bother me. I’ve resigned my
position, disgraced by accusations
of five burglars and that so called friend,
John Dean. Brought down by lies. Accused of 80
illegal acts and now, Martha, you leave
my side to run and tell gossip to
the liberal press. When I was Attorney-
General your tongue was constantly
connected by a wire to some far flung 85
columnist, who, the next morning, revealed
to the world the confidential nature
of my occupation. To be so false
accused is no small thing, but for my wife
to be the source is akin to treason. 90
Martha. Ha! I’ll not married to a liar be. And
a cheat. Your felonious deeds flout the
very law so sworn to uphold. Politics
have ruined you, John. You are not the man
I wed, so changed are you by this stubborn 95
political life. Adios, Mitchell.
[Exit Martha.]
Mitchell. I’ve lost my job, my confidence,
my credibility, and now my wife.
O great woe! I’ll retire and smoke my pipe
and protest to all the world my innocence. 100
[Enter an Attendant.]
Attendant. The President awaits you.
[Exeunt Mitchell and Attendant.]
[Re-enter Martha and Howard K. Smith.]
Smith. And how goes John?
Martha. John and I are separated.
I speak not to him.
Smith. Ah, you had warned him to quit politics. 105
Martha. Our marriage would not last. His scandalous
acts are too much for me. Now I leave him.
Smith. He is involved with the Watergate matter?
Deeply involved, perhaps?
Martha. You can bet your sweet Justice Department he is. 110
Smith. [Aside.]
I smell a story. I will wine and dine
this lady until all the facts fall out. ---
Come, let’s to lunch. And tell me more.
[Exeunt Martha and Smith.]
[Re-enter Ziegler.]
Ziegler. Oh, my. Such a busy day. Back to work
I need go. The gas is short and 115
the stock market dips. The liberal press will
demand some answers. I’ll get to work.
[Enter Henry Kissinger.]
How did it go last night, Henry?
Kissinger. Oh, she was all right, but a bit dull.
Ziegler. No, I mean the negotiations. 120
Kissinger. Very well, indeed. We have agreed to
many things to further the cause of
world peace and normalization of relations.
[Exit Kissinger.]
[Enter Herbert Stein.]
Ziegler. Ah, just the man I need. Come, tell me,
Herbert Stein, some counter-measure to 125
lighten the American heart.
The market plunges. Food prices multiply
Wages go up too fast for the employer,
but not fast enough for the poor employee.
And then there are those who are unemployed. 130
It is our nation’s number one problem.
I need some news, Herbert.
Stein. I can confidently predict that
Phase IV will succeed in holding the line
against the rise of prices and that we will 135
not have a recession in this quarter.
[Exit Stein.]
Ziegler. Thank you! Oh, good news. And here’s the Czar,
[Enter William Simon.]
come to relieve me of another problem.
What says th’ energy?
Simon. Simon says: Hear ye, the great American Dream 140
of driving about to see field and stream
must, by needs of a shortage of fuel,
come to a halt. So be no fool,
and save the gas in summertime
so we shan’t freeze to death in winter’s clime. 145
[Exit Simon.]
Ziegler. A brilliant man. And wise.
[Enter Rosemary Woods.]
Who’s this now? Oh, ‘tis you, Rosemary,
I thought it might be trouble.
Rosemary. Huh? Oh, that man talks and talks. ‘Tis the fifth
tape today. I’ll spend the last years of 150
my life transcribing these confidential
meetings. The doctor orders him to
California, for a rest, and he is
busy finishing up. Any news
in the Committee? 155
Ziegler. None but mere formality. Those cumbersome
Senators have just gotten ‘round to proving
that the Hotel was broken into!
Rosemary. [She laughs.]
I’ve watched their proceedings. So theatric.
So full of self-purpose. 160
Ziegler. A Democratic trait, I fear.
Rosemary. Aye, but, oh, that Howard Baker!
What a man! What a face! What charm! And yet
a Republican!
Ziegler. All the better. ‘Tis good that the nation’s 165
full fancy finds this man. For he, alone,
must counter-balance the forces opposed
to our plan. He must parry and slam
the sage and high wisdom of Senator Sam.
[Exeunt.]